Smart Aleck Comedy: Tales from the Emerald City Comicon

By Clark Kent
Guest Writer, The Daily Planet

A multi-dimensional phenomenon occurred in Seattle during the last weekend in March. With the familiar sound and flash of a lightning storm, hundreds of vacuous electrically rimmed portals opened up inside the Seattle Convention Center. Hundreds of beings from different universes walked, slithered, and crawled out of the pulsating purple portals. Scientists have collectively termed the event the Emerald City Comicon.

Cross-dimensional ruptures started to occur on Friday, with most of the activity concentrated inside the convention center. Dr. Hamilton, of S.T.A.R. Labs in Metropolis, has nicknamed the extradimensional visitors "cosplayers." Inside, the commingling of varying species resembled the cantina scene from the first Star Wars movie. In fact, most of the creatures from Star Wars were present, so the similarity was at times eerily creepy.

The majority of interactions between the various volatile visitors were peaceful, yet fights did break out between the more violent creatures.

Geth vs. Predator

Many of the confrontations seemed to occur when individuals encountered another version of themselves from an alternate universe. I can personally attest that running into yourself can be quite an alarming experience.

Fellow reporter Lois Lane was confounded.

Minor skirmishes aside, no real problems occurred until Saturday. A world ending catastrophe was narrowly averted when Bender B. Rodriguez, self-proclaimed ruler of "New" New York, teamed up with Galactus, devourer of worlds. Galactus decided to help Bender "kill all humans," in large part because he wanted the Earth as a snack.

Bite my shiny silver ass.

Superman, who mysteriously appeared while I was in the same room, intervened at the last moment to stop the combined force of Galactus, Bender, and the Silver Surfer. The Man of Steel flew so fast around the Earth that he ripped open a plot hole large enough to return Galactus and the Silver Surfer to their own universe. Bender, playing to his strengths, angrily challenged Superman to a drinking contest. For the first three hours it seemed the robot was winning, but in the end the Man of Steel's will proved to be unbendable. As an unbiased third party, I can attest that Superman showed Bender why they call him the Man of Steel.

After defeating Bender, Superman does a great Clark Kent impression.

Entertainers and various celebrities were brought in to help quell some of the unrest amongst the extra-dimensional guests. Many vehemently violent visitors valiantly put down their arms for a chance to meet a cast member from the television series Firefly. If simply meeting Adam Baldwin or Summer Glau could stop blood thirsty aliens from killing each other, imagine what putting Firefly back on the air could do for world peace.

Each evening at comicon included several different events to keep the guests entertained. Voice actors from a variety of popular animated television shows read famous movie scripts in the form of a live radio play. The script used for Saturday night was Star Wars: A New Hope. Each voice actor was assigned a different part, and used a different voice, for each scene. At one point Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, and Obi-Wan, were voiced by Bender, Zoidberg, and Eric Cartman respectively. The only voice actor who read a consistent part was Kevin Conroy, who is famous for playing the voice of Batman in Batman: The Animated Series. The voice of the Dark Knight was the narrator for Star Wars.

If Jim Carey's The Truman Show taught us anything, it's that finding out your entire life is actually a television show can be unsettling. One version of Batman lost his sanity after hearing his own voice come out of Kevin Conroy's mouth.

Ironman and Batman met at Alcoholics Anonymous.

Comic book artists and photographers showed up to document the weekend cosmic event. Most artists set up temporary booths, and some even tried to cash in on the inflow of extra-galactic currency by selling overpriced collectibles. The large amount of small name internet publishers at comicon had the adverse affect of attracting vile creatures and annoying memes from the void of the internet.

On the internet, only Nyan Cat can hear you scream.

...then I took an arrow to the knee

By late Sunday afternoon, almost all of the extra-dimensional visitors had returned home. Even though it only lasted a weekend, the spirit of camaraderie and acceptance at the Emerald City Comicon remains. If that many aliens from different universes can get along inside the cramped Seattle convention center, imagine how easy it can be for humans to stop warring with each other. As a mild mannered reporter, I see only one course of action to attain genuine world peace. We must simply accept the differences inherent in each other, and bring back the television series Firefly.

"I aim to misbehave."

*Check out these other photos from the crazy awesome extra-dimensional teleporting weekend, a.k.a. the Emerald City Comicon!
-Jimmy Olsen, Photographer