The Official Blog of Smart Aleck Comedy

If you are someone with an open mind and a sense of humor, then please keep reading. If you are somehow disturbed by sarcasm, irony, and a level of satire that would make Jonathan Swift blush, then S-T-O-P reading and go watch The O'Reilly Factor.

Some common topics of this blog include popular culture, politics, current events, The Batman, and anything that is inherently funny or deserves to be laughed at. Updated whenever we're not being chased by Velociraptors - which happens more often than you'd think.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Batman vs. The Avengers

Joss Whedon fulfilled the hopes and dreams of nerds everywhere with this summer's The Avengers.  The movie broke more box office records than the number of actors who have portrayed Bruce Banner. With an opening weekend gross of $207,438,708 The Avengers made more money than even the highly anticipated The Dark Rises. But when it comes to great movies, money shouldn't be the only concern. It's not important which movie makes more money, because Batman can single-handedly take down every member of the Avengers. 

The Dark Knight has a backup plan for everything, including his super-powered allies going rogue or voting Republican. When Batman's plans were stolen by his enemies, the Justice League was almost destroyed as a result. If Batman has the capacity to effectively neutralize the Justice League, he should have no problem with the Avengers...most of them anyways.

Good thing Batman doesn't monologue

Captain America


At first glance it might seem that Captain America is more than a match for Batman. He is well versed in hand-to-hand combat, and is physically stronger than Batman. He will need this physical advantage to compete with Batman's superior martial arts training, intellect, and use of highly advanced weaponry. Captain America's primary weapon is a shield made out of adamantium and vibranium. It's strong enough to deflect accusations that Chris Evans had previously acted in a terrible Marvel movie. I like to pretend the Fantastic Four movie just didn't happen.

Batman will have a tough time getting through Captain America's impenetrable shield, because it's a comic book fact that all bullets fired at Captain America magically hit his shield instead of him. It's a good thing Batman doesn't use bullets, some weird hangup about his parents. Eventually  Batman will realize the shield is only a few feet in diameter and doesn't cover Captain America's entire body. Cap's shield may be unbreakable, but Batman has more gadgets and toys than Tiger Woods has mistresses, and the shield can't protect him forever. The most likely outcome is that Batman will use several gadgets to distract Cap, so that he can get close enough to exploit the Captain's one weakness - a quick shot to the nuts.

Nut shots - more effective than kryptonite.

Or, he could just kick the ever-loving shit out of him the old fashion way:



Iron Man


Tony Stark is the Armored Avenger, and Bruce Wayne is the Dark Knight. Both heroes are wealthy playboys who use their near limitless financial resources to transform themselves into superheroes. Technologically speaking, Batman and Ironman are rather evenly matched. Ironman can easily repulsor-ray the Bat's face off, but Batman can also hack into his armor's systems, shoot him with some kind of fancy EMP device, or simply rip his electrical heart out Temple of Doom style. As counterintuitively hilarious as it would be to have Batman saying "kali-mah" and standing over Ironman's body, the superhero personas of these two individuals are too evenly matched to fight. Instead, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark will have to duke it out in their civilian guises. And in this arena, Bruce might have the upper hand.

That schwarma place also has cheap whiskey.
The difference between Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne is the mask. Tony puts on the Ironman mask to fight criminals and become bulletproof. Batman puts on the mask of playboy Bruce Wayne to hide his identity from the world. Tony Stark's personal life and reputation affect him much more than Bruce Wayne, giving Bruce a distinct advantage.

Hostile business takeovers and Jack Daniels have always been the respective achilles heel and kryptonite of Tony Stark. Bruce Wayne will simply take over Stark Industries and woo away his various girlfriends, thereby sending Stark into a downward spiraling alcohol induced depression. If Tony Stark can be taken down by psychological means, not a single Bat-fist will have to be thrown. Stark has made a jackass of himself before, and all Bruce has to do is get him drunk at the right high profile public place at the right time, and both Tony's business and superhero credentials will drop faster than Stark Industries stock.


Thor


Thor provides a bit of a problem for Batman. He is the Avenger's equivalent to Superman, without a weakness to green rock-candy. Simply put, Batman does not have enough raw firepower to take out Thor in a conventional fashion. It's too bad Batman is the most conventional superhero ever, oh wait...I'm being sarcastic. Having already acquired intel on Thor, via the recently bought out Stark Industries, Batman could easily make a device to somehow block the "magic" energies that give Thor his power. But really, what's the fun in that?

Thor's one weakness, besides getting punched in the face repeatedly by the Hulk, is people using his hammer against him. It's very rare that a person is capable of wielding Mjolnir, because said individual has to be "worthy" of being Anthony Hopkins' son. It happened before when the alien Beta Ray Bill, who looks very similar to Barbra Streisand, took Thor's hammer and beat him with it.

Beta Ray Bill or Barbra Streisand?

Batman has dedicated his life to upholding justice, routing crime, and lifting giant magical hammers. The only reason he wouldn't be worthy of wielding Thor's hammer is if he were being played by George Clooney or Val Kilmer. Once Batman picks up Mjolnir, the battle is essentially over. The Dark Knight's martial arts mastery, combined with the power of a giant magical hammer crafted by the Gods (aliens if you're a Catholic or scientologist), would allow Batman to easily overpower Thor. Of course, The Batman could just as easily use his own extremely powerful hammer...Mjolnir being a Norse symbol for...well here, I'll just let Nathan Fillion explain my joke:



Hulk


Having recently acquired the business assets of Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne would have access to information on how the Avengers have been forced to stop the Hulk before. See, sometimes when the Hulk gets REALLLLLY angry he goes into an unstoppable rage and attacks everyone around him, except for his girlfriend. Last time the Hulk lost control he took down the entire Avengers team, and it took both The Sentry (schizophrenic Superman) and a giant laser from space to finally take him down. The Avengers have since learned not to cancel the Hulk's xbox live account.


"I'm in your brain, Hulk. And this is the one thing that's reliably stopped you in the past. Direct neural electroshock." - Tony Stark, as Ironman

Don't worry Dr. Banner, Lasik eye surgery is perfectly safe.

Batman can easily use the Batcave to develop some kind of neural electroshock device to jam into the Hulk's eye and turn him back into whiny old Bruce Banner. In fact, I'm quite sure Batman already has an electroshock device he uses as shark repellant - when he's not just punching sharks with his Bat-fists. However, if Batman gets hit by more than one of the Hulk's punches, then he probably won't be appearing in the upcoming Justice League movie. I'm just kidding, that movie is never going to happen...and if it does, let's hope to God the rumors about Ben Affleck directing are not true.


Lightsaber - Batman's real shark repellant
Honestly though, Batman would not even have to fight the Hulk, because the two characters are so similar. Bruce Banner has an uncontrollable rage inside him which, when combined with gamma radiation, turns him into the jolly green rage monster. The Dark Knight has a similar rage inside of him because Batman and Robin was such a terrible movie, and that one hang-up about his parents. Bruce Wayne knows how to deal with anger issues in a semi-healthy Bat-suited fashion, so he can easily help the Hulk work through his anger issues. I'm sure Bruce Wayne knows a great Bat-therapist for the Hulk to check out; things went great when he went to see Hugo Strange after all.

Hulk use "I" statements. I smash!

Hawkeye


Ha...ha...haha...hahaha...hahahaha! I'm sorry everyone, I can't seem to write about Hawkeye fighting Batman without bursting into laughter. Let's be honest, Aquaman would do better in this fight than Hawkeye. That's right. Fucking. Aquaman. I'm not going to waste your time writing about such tripe, so here's a picture that sums up the Hawkeye vs. Batman fight:

Bat-dog.

Black Widow

I just wanted an excuse to add this picture.

With all the other Avengers defeated, Black Widow must try and defeat The Batman on her own. Unlike the other Avengers, Black Widow stands a chance of defeating The Batman. He may not be a superman, but Bruce Wayne still has two things that can be considered his kryptonite: bullets, and extremely attractive leather clad women who eventually stab him in the back and try to kill him; it's why he's such a relatable character. Talia Al Ghul is a perfect example of this, using her relationship with Bruce to screw him time and time again, as well as betray him on several occasions. Oh, and in case The Dark Knight Rises didn't make it clear, Talia and Bruce have a son named Damian. Bruce gets him during the week, and Talia trains him to be a deadly assassin on the weekends.

Black Widow shares many of the same traits with Talia. They are both deadly ninjas/assassins with amazing martial arts prowess who have both been known to betray their allies. Batman and Black Widow are rather evenly matched in fighting prowess, plus Widow has the advantage of using guns. With her use of guns, fighting skills, and the distracting fact that she is Scarlett Johansson, Black Widow might be able to pull a win against Batman. Then again...he is the Goddamn Batman! This fight will most likely end the same way it did with Batman and Black Canary - on the roof of an abandoned building, in the rain, with very little clothing. Batman wins.

Suck it Green Arrow. 


Let's go fight some "crime."

Monday, July 30, 2012

They mostly come out on Mondays...mostly.

Smart Aleck Comedy now has an official Facebook page. Everyone knows you can't really be friends with someone unless you're Facebook friends with them, and blogs work in a similar fashion. Now that this blog has a Facebook page, I am going to do something I have never done before - responsibly update this blog on a regular basis. Myself and the rest of us here at Smart Aleck Comedy will do our best to bring you sarcastic and hilariously demeaning content every Monday.

Exceptions to Monday updates include, but are not limited to:
  • Zombie outbreak
  • Caught in super-villain deathtrap
  • Xenomorph outbreak
  • Avengers Assembling
  • Kickin' it with Obama

Here are some entertaining pictures and videos to whet your appetite for our next article, Batman vs. The Avengers!








Batman vs. Predator





Mark Hamill's Joker - Why so serious?



Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Tales from the Emerald City Comicon

By Clark Kent
Guest Writer, The Daily Planet

A multi-dimensional phenomenon occurred in Seattle during the last weekend in March. With the familiar sound and flash of a lightning storm, hundreds of vacuous electrically rimmed portals opened up inside the Seattle Convention Center. Hundreds of beings from different universes walked, slithered, and crawled out of the pulsating purple portals. Scientists have collectively termed the event the Emerald City Comicon.

Cross-dimensional ruptures started to occur on Friday, with most of the activity concentrated inside the convention center. Dr. Hamilton, of S.T.A.R. Labs in Metropolis, has nicknamed the extradimensional visitors "cosplayers." Inside, the commingling of varying species resembled the cantina scene from the first Star Wars movie. In fact, most of the creatures from Star Wars were present, so the similarity was at times eerily creepy.

The majority of interactions between the various volatile visitors were peaceful, yet fights did break out between the more violent creatures.

Geth vs. Predator

Many of the confrontations seemed to occur when individuals encountered another version of themselves from an alternate universe. I can personally attest that running into yourself can be quite an alarming experience.

Fellow reporter Lois Lane was confounded.

Minor skirmishes aside, no real problems occurred until Saturday. A world ending catastrophe was narrowly averted when Bender B. Rodriguez, self-proclaimed ruler of "New" New York, teamed up with Galactus, devourer of worlds. Galactus decided to help Bender "kill all humans," in large part because he wanted the Earth as a snack.

Bite my shiny silver ass.
Superman, who mysteriously appeared while I was in the same room, intervened at the last moment to stop the combined force of Galactus, Bender, and the Silver Surfer. The Man of Steel flew so fast around the Earth that he ripped open a plot hole large enough to return Galactus and the Silver Surfer to their own universe. Bender, playing to his strengths, angrily challenged Superman to a drinking contest. For the first three hours it seemed the robot was winning, but in the end the Man of Steel's will proved to be unbendable. As an unbiased third party, I can attest that Superman showed Bender why they call him the Man of Steel.

After defeating Bender, Superman does a great Clark Kent impression.
Entertainers and various celebrities were brought in to help quell some of the unrest amongst the extra-dimensional guests. Many vehemently violent visitors valiantly put down their arms for a chance to meet a cast member from the television series Firefly. If simply meeting Adam Baldwin or Summer Glau could stop blood thirsty aliens from killing each other, imagine what putting Firefly back on the air could do for world peace.

Each evening at comicon included several different events to keep the guests entertained. Voice actors from a variety of popular animated television shows read famous movie scripts in the form of a live radio play. The script used for Saturday night was Star Wars: A New Hope. Each voice actor was assigned a different part, and used a different voice, for each scene. At one point Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, and Obi-Wan, were voiced by Bender, Zoidberg, and Eric Cartman respectively. The only voice actor who read a consistent part was Kevin Conroy, who is famous for playing the voice of Batman in Batman: The Animated Series. The voice of the Dark Knight was the narrator for Star Wars.

If Jim Carey's The Truman Show taught us anything, it's that finding out your entire life is actually a television show can be unsettling. One version of Batman lost his sanity after hearing his own voice come out of Kevin Conroy's mouth.

Ironman and Batman met at Alcoholics Anonymous.      
Comic book artists and photographers showed up to document the weekend cosmic event. Most artists set up temporary booths, and some even tried to cash in on the inflow of extra-galactic currency by selling overpriced collectibles. The large amount of small name internet publishers at comicon had the adverse affect of attracting vile creatures and annoying memes from the void of the internet.

On the internet, only Nyan Cat can hear you scream.
...then I took an arrow to the knee
By late Sunday afternoon, almost all of the extra-dimensional visitors had returned home. Even though it only lasted a weekend, the spirit of camaraderie and acceptance at the Emerald City Comicon remains.  If that many aliens from different universes can get along inside the cramped Seattle convention center, imagine how easy it can be for humans to stop warring with each other. As a mild mannered reporter, I see only one course of action to attain genuine world peace. We must simply accept the differences inherent in each other, and bring back the television series Firefly.

"I aim to misbehave."



*Check out these other photos from the crazy awesome extra-dimensional teleporting weekend, a.k.a. the Emerald City Comicon!
                 -Jimmy Olsen, Photographer      
                
Knife to a blaster fight.
Even Galactus and Kingpin support charity.
Halo's Legendary difficulty - fighting invincible aliens.
May the repulsor ray be with you.
Friend? Or temporary ally with a backup plan if they go rogue.
Snorks!
Don't drink and drive megazords.
Visitors from the Lego dimension had little to say.