Batman vs. The Avengers

Joss Whedon fulfilled the hopes and dreams of nerds everywhere with this summer's The Avengers.  The movie broke more box office records than the number of actors who have portrayed Bruce Banner. With an opening weekend gross of $207,438,708 The Avengers made more money than even the highly anticipated The Dark Rises. But when it comes to great movies, money shouldn't be the only concern. It's not important which movie makes more money, because Batman can single-handedly take down every member of the Avengers. 

The Dark Knight has a backup plan for everything, including his super-powered allies going rogue or voting Republican. When Batman's plans were stolen by his enemies, the Justice League was almost destroyed as a result. If Batman has the capacity to effectively neutralize the Justice League, he should have no problem with the Avengers...most of them anyways.

Good thing Batman doesn't monologue

Captain America

At first glance it might seem that Captain America is more than a match for Batman. He is well versed in hand-to-hand combat, and is physically stronger than Batman. He will need this physical advantage to compete with Batman's superior martial arts training, intellect, and use of highly advanced weaponry. Captain America's primary weapon is a shield made out of adamantium and vibranium. It's strong enough to deflect accusations that Chris Evans had previously acted in a terrible Marvel movie. I like to pretend the Fantastic Four movie just didn't happen.

Batman will have a tough time getting through Captain America's impenetrable shield, because it's a comic book fact that all bullets fired at Captain America magically hit his shield instead of him. It's a good thing Batman doesn't use bullets, some weird hangup about his parents. Eventually  Batman will realize the shield is only a few feet in diameter and doesn't cover Captain America's entire body. Cap's shield may be unbreakable, but Batman has more gadgets and toys than Tiger Woods has mistresses, and the shield can't protect him forever. The most likely outcome is that Batman will use several gadgets to distract Cap, so that he can get close enough to exploit the Captain's one weakness - a quick shot to the nuts.

Nut shots - more effective than kryptonite.

Or, he could just kick the ever-loving shit out of him the old fashion way:

Iron Man

Tony Stark is the Armored Avenger, and Bruce Wayne is the Dark Knight. Both heroes are wealthy playboys who use their near limitless financial resources to transform themselves into superheroes. Technologically speaking, Batman and Ironman are rather evenly matched. Ironman can easily repulsor-ray the Bat's face off, but Batman can also hack into his armor's systems, shoot him with some kind of fancy EMP device, or simply rip his electrical heart out Temple of Doom style. As counterintuitively hilarious as it would be to have Batman saying "kali-mah" and standing over Ironman's body, the superhero personas of these two individuals are too evenly matched to fight. Instead, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark will have to duke it out in their civilian guises. And in this arena, Bruce might have the upper hand.

That schwarma place also has cheap whiskey.

The difference between Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne is the mask. Tony puts on the Ironman mask to fight criminals and become bulletproof. Batman puts on the mask of playboy Bruce Wayne to hide his identity from the world. Tony Stark's personal life and reputation affect him much more than Bruce Wayne, giving Bruce a distinct advantage.

Hostile business takeovers and Jack Daniels have always been the respective achilles heel and kryptonite of Tony Stark. Bruce Wayne will simply take over Stark Industries and woo away his various girlfriends, thereby sending Stark into a downward spiraling alcohol induced depression. If Tony Stark can be taken down by psychological means, not a single Bat-fist will have to be thrown. Stark has made a jackass of himself before, and all Bruce has to do is get him drunk at the right high profile public place at the right time, and both Tony's business and superhero credentials will drop faster than Stark Industries stock.

Thor

Thor provides a bit of a problem for Batman. He is the Avenger's equivalent to Superman, without a weakness to green rock-candy. Simply put, Batman does not have enough raw firepower to take out Thor in a conventional fashion. It's too bad Batman is the most conventional superhero ever, oh wait...I'm being sarcastic. Having already acquired intel on Thor, via the recently bought out Stark Industries, Batman could easily make a device to somehow block the "magic" energies that give Thor his power. But really, what's the fun in that?

Thor's one weakness, besides getting punched in the face repeatedly by the Hulk, is people using his hammer against him. It's very rare that a person is capable of wielding Mjolnir, because said individual has to be "worthy" of being Anthony Hopkins' son. It happened before when the alien Beta Ray Bill, who looks very similar to Barbra Streisand, took Thor's hammer and beat him with it.

Beta Ray Bill or Barbra Streisand?

Batman has dedicated his life to upholding justice, routing crime, and lifting giant magical hammers. The only reason he wouldn't be worthy of wielding Thor's hammer is if he were being played by George Clooney or Val Kilmer. Once Batman picks up Mjolnir, the battle is essentially over. The Dark Knight's martial arts mastery, combined with the power of a giant magical hammer crafted by the Gods (aliens if you're a Catholic or scientologist), would allow Batman to easily overpower Thor. Of course, The Batman could just as easily use his own extremely powerful hammer...Mjolnir being a Norse symbol for...well here, I'll just let Nathan Fillion explain my joke:

Hulk

Having recently acquired the business assets of Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne would have access to information on how the Avengers have been forced to stop the Hulk before. See, sometimes when the Hulk gets REALLLLLY angry he goes into an unstoppable rage and attacks everyone around him, except for his girlfriend. Last time the Hulk lost control he took down the entire Avengers team, and it took both The Sentry (schizophrenic Superman) and a giant laser from space to finally take him down. The Avengers have since learned not to cancel the Hulk's xbox live account.


"I'm in your brain, Hulk. And this is the one thing that's reliably stopped you in the past. Direct neural electroshock." - Tony Stark, as Ironman

Don't worry Dr. Banner, Lasik eye surgery is perfectly safe.

Batman can easily use the Batcave to develop some kind of neural electroshock device to jam into the Hulk's eye and turn him back into whiny old Bruce Banner. In fact, I'm quite sure Batman already has an electroshock device he uses as shark repellant - when he's not just punching sharks with his Bat-fists. However, if Batman gets hit by more than one of the Hulk's punches, then he probably won't be appearing in the upcoming Justice League movie. I'm just kidding, that movie is never going to happen...and if it does, let's hope to God the rumors about Ben Affleck directing are not true.

Lightsaber - Batman's real shark repellant

Honestly though, Batman would not even have to fight the Hulk, because the two characters are so similar. Bruce Banner has an uncontrollable rage inside him which, when combined with gamma radiation, turns him into the jolly green rage monster. The Dark Knight has a similar rage inside of him because Batman and Robin was such a terrible movie, and that one hang-up about his parents. Bruce Wayne knows how to deal with anger issues in a semi-healthy Bat-suited fashion, so he can easily help the Hulk work through his anger issues. I'm sure Bruce Wayne knows a great Bat-therapist for the Hulk to check out; things went great when he went to see Hugo Strange after all.

Hulk use "I" statements. I smash!

Hawkeye

Ha...ha...haha...hahaha...hahahaha! I'm sorry everyone, I can't seem to write about Hawkeye fighting Batman without bursting into laughter. Let's be honest, Aquaman would do better in this fight than Hawkeye. That's right. Fucking. Aquaman. I'm not going to waste your time writing about such tripe, so here's a picture that sums up the Hawkeye vs. Batman fight:

Bat-dog.

Black Widow

I just wanted an excuse to add this picture.

With all the other Avengers defeated, Black Widow must try and defeat The Batman on her own. Unlike the other Avengers, Black Widow stands a chance of defeating The Batman. He may not be a superman, but Bruce Wayne still has two things that can be considered his kryptonite: bullets, and extremely attractive leather clad women who eventually stab him in the back and try to kill him; it's why he's such a relatable character. Talia Al Ghul is a perfect example of this, using her relationship with Bruce to screw him time and time again, as well as betray him on several occasions. Oh, and in case The Dark Knight Rises didn't make it clear, Talia and Bruce have a son named Damian. Bruce gets him during the week, and Talia trains him to be a deadly assassin on the weekends.

Black Widow shares many of the same traits with Talia. They are both deadly ninjas/assassins with amazing martial arts prowess who have both been known to betray their allies. Batman and Black Widow are rather evenly matched in fighting prowess, plus Widow has the advantage of using guns. With her use of guns, fighting skills, and the distracting fact that she is Scarlett Johansson, Black Widow might be able to pull a win against Batman. Then again...he is the Goddamn Batman! This fight will most likely end the same way it did with Batman and Black Canary - on the roof of an abandoned building, in the rain, with very little clothing. Batman wins.

Suck it Green Arrow. 

Let's go fight some "crime."